The Porcelain Witch Chapter 1-6

Firstly: I want to sincerely apologise in having taken so long to critique this piece!

On the whole this piece is a little stilted and halting in its flow and form (don't worry too much, you can easily fix this, though!) You do a good job of keeping the anger as a constant and flowing theme, allowing it to grow and progress along with the witch's movements which is excellent (its very easy to allow the anger to fall to the sidelines as the author becomes distracted by the events of the plot).

I also think you do a good job of keeping the plot moving with plenty happening to keep the reader engaged and interested - well done! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/m/m…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="578" title="Meow :3"/>

You characterise Luna well as someone cold and unforgiving, though with the occasional trace of humanity in her somewhere. I think you could do a really good job in the future of this story - even if you choose to have Luna's character change and grow into something quite different to how she is now, the progression would work really well and help the story as a whole.

Grammar, technicalities and syntax:
Your sentence construction and syntax is quite stilted and this makes your work a little difficult to read. The first thing I'd suggest to combat this would be to use longer sentences! Try and get used to using commas, semi-colons or even hyphens as grammar rather than just defaulting to a full stop - you should only really be using a full stop when you've said all that you can/needs to be said on a certain point, for example (towards the end of chapter one)

"Now I was going to have to go with him to the stable. It was in even worse shape than the house..."

The full stop in the middle here is redundant, you're still talking about the stable, so a comma would have allowed the appropriate pause (where the full stop implies you have nothing left to say on the subject of the stable). The full stop also makes it quite awkward to read; instead you might try:

"Now I was going to have to go with him to the stable, which, from what I could see, looked to be in even worse shape than the house; I almost felt sorry for the horse that had to live under such filthy conditions. Almost."

Of course, you can leave some short sentences for dramatic effect, just as you did with the "Almost." but this will be lost in the sea of so many short sentences that you've been using!

Flow and style:
I will say that your tendency to stick to the oddly specific timings (like constantly mentioning 11yrs and 17 then 18 days etc tends to interrupt the flow of the story and to me, at least, prevented me from getting absorbed in the rest of what was happening. You only really need to mention the time so specifically once and from then on you can refer back it more generally by saying 'for the last decade' or so.

I certainly enjoyed that comedic moment of Edward and the leaf - haha! Certainly gave me a good laugh lol.

Generally, this piece is quite neat and you don't leave too many threads unanswered (apart from the necessary few that are needed to keep the reader interested. However, i feel that you could, in future chapters, offer a few snippets more about the witches of the world - for example, you might only need a sentence or two/a small paragraph but it would help to give the reader a better picture of what the world looks like for witches.

With regard to my stars - they might look rather glum from here, but I hope you won't feel too discouraged! For vision, I've only given three stars because although what you've written so far is quite neat and holds itself together well, you don't give too much indication of where the story might progress too (other than she finds her revenge, huzzah! Lol)

I think it might work well to offer in little snippets of characters who seem a little quiet, but might, for example show that they know something tantalizing that will leave the reader to wonder why and how they know something without giving too much away, making the story too predicable, if that makes sense? At the moment, aside from the few good dynamics you've introduced so far, the boundaries of the story are a little too well defined at the moment. (A good example of where you do offer snippets in with the bit about the White Foxes - very tantalizing <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/>)

Though in the future, it would be really interesting to hear more about the 'tribe' of witches, how it works etc...and even how you explain witches - can a mortal/human ever become a witch or can they only be that way from birth? You can really have some fun with exploring these kinds of ideas! (Never mind the popular view haha! XD)

Originality: you're going well so far! For a story that involves well-known and familiar characters (i.e. witches and werewolves and the like) you've set out the premise in an interesting way and the prologue of Luna's thoughts really grabbed my attention - you also create some good character dynamics with good contrasts -- such as between Luna and the little girl and Luna and her captive boy. I'd say what's letting you down at the moment is that you aren't offering enough explanation / aren't showing anything strikingly new or unusual about witches in general -- though you offer some curious insights into your view on magic, that it isn't bound to a living body or any physical matter! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/> Very curious indeed - perhaps worth exploring more?

Technique: What's really letting you down here are your sentences in both syntax and construction, they're just too short and in some cases, a little stilted or repetitive (as I was saying about your mentioning the oddly-specific 17th or 18th day etc) - go over and just look at what sentences don't really need to be separated with a full stop etc. Its not a huge thing, but it really interrupts the flow of reading and can make it a bit difficult for a reader in places, but it's easily fixed <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="391" title=" (Smile)"/>

Overall - well done! You create good impact with the piece by adding in bits of Luna's thoughts and her past which is very well done! I personally like this piece and I think you could really make it something amazing with a few tweaks here and there!

All of what I've said are only suggestions and its only up to you whether you want to or how to change your piece! But well done and I look forward to reading more! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="366" title=" (Big Grin)"/>

(And I apologise again for taking so long! D: but please feel free to message me if I've made myself unclear!)